Refuse to be Passive

Pilot Episode: 198

In Uncategorized on July 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

198. The numbers on the scale glare at me. I know I’ve gained some serious weight over the past seven months due to a bout with depression and then the healing process, but sixty pounds? Today at work I ate like crap and then went for a swim to try to curb some of the damage I’d done. Upon getting out of the pool, I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I was able to look at my body with an analytical frame of mind, rather than looking in the mirror and wanting to cry. The back story is rather long and maybe you know some of it, and maybe in the future you’ll hear some of it, but let’s just say that a few years ago, 198 was only five pounds above my average weight. Then I lost the weight– and now it’s back again. But I digress. Today was the first day I was able to look in the mirror and view my body with a sense of detachment, to breathe deep, and accept where I was. I had finally healed enough to step back on the scale. I walked up to a perky young blonde working at the desk at the fitness center and asked if there was a scale around. She directed me around the corner, where I did indeed find a digital scale. Although I had a brief pause, wondering if this was really something I was ready for and wanted to do, the answer was clear. Yes, I do want this. Yes I’ve been in stage of denial. Yes, I’ve been here before. And yes, I will lose the weight again. So that leaves me with the angry red numbers 198 glaring up at me. Although it’s a good ten pounds higher than I thought I’d be, I am shocked, but neither angry or disgusted. What good would either of those feelings be to me? Instead I choose to look forward. There is so much I’ve forgotten about living  a healthy lifestyle, that in many ways I feel like I’m starting from scratch, needing to learn things over again. But I can do that. I just need the right frame of mind and a good support network. The hardest time to find a good frame of mind is at the end of a long day at work. I work at a bakery, and at the end of the day I find myself decorating cakes. I have a serious sweet tooth and some of that left over icing often calls my name. However, with the numbers 198 etched into my brain, I think that the icing will cease calling, or will be drowned out by other desires. I now type this while sitting at a picnic table in beautiful, sunny Jasper in the heart of the Rocky Mountains—the place I call home. I am not filled with dread, nor do I wonder if I can lose the weight. I’ve proved before I can, and I will do so again. And while this time my approach may need to be different, due to a different approach to health and weight loss—namely the belief that artificial sweeteners are as bad as the regular ones, if not worse—I know I can do this. I invite you to follow along with me in this journey. Working back towards a healthy lifestyle will take serious work and I’ll need serious support. One thing though, there are some phrases I’ve heard so many times that I’ve come to dislike them with the fire of a thousand suns, so please humour me and don’t post them as comments. Here they are: “All things in moderation.” Whoever came up with that one did not have a sweet tooth. “One day at a time.” Duh.  And I’m sure there is another one, but for the life of me I cannot think of what it may be. I’m sure someone will post it to remind me. But here is my favourite, one that stands the truths of clichés. “Tomorrow is a new day.” True that, thanks Anne of Green Gables, but at the same time, I’d like to tack on “But that’s no excuse to screw up the rest of today.”  Nigi Ne Themba.

  1. You are a strong woman. You will do it! 🙂

  2. “If at first you don’t succeed, quickly deny you were ever trying.”
    Er, that doesn’t sound quite sound right 😉

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