Refuse to be Passive

Hope and Intentionality

In Life in General on March 4, 2012 at 10:28 am

Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in one aspect of life that you completely lose track of all others. That’s been my life the past few months. I’ve been so wrapped up in school that food has become a near obsession, both in class and at home, and not in a healthy way either. It’s lead to exhaustion and stress which has manifested itself as mild depression these past few weeks. My weekends have been a write-off, and I’ve been living on refined sugars, and all sorts of crap that is no good for my health or my waistline. But today, for the first time, I feel like I’m back. Yesterday was okay. I had more social interaction within the community than I’d had in weeks. I painted with the kids, and just spent time chilling with the household. It felt odd, and exhausting. By 2pm I wanted a nap. I didn’t take one, although I probably should have. I need to learn to sleep more. It keeps me in a better head space.

Today is the first time I feel like I’m back at full steam in months—since before Christmas actually. I’m getting my head back on straight. I’m starting to recognize that there is more to life than food and school. Things I used to be passionate about are coming back to me, things like urban renaissance and redevelopment (see previous post), as well as writing, and board games. I had truly forgotten how much I love to write. It’s a form of therapy for me, a way to get out my feelings and thoughts. It’s strangely soothing, particularly when I can do a bit of learning along the way. I’ve never been much for academic research, but when it can be take and put to practical use, I’m all for it.

The other thing I’ve really learned about myself is that I need to get out of the house more. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to be a toxic environment for me. I get down if I can’t get out. That leads to a form of masochism known as gluttony. That might be why all my jeans are currently on the tight side.  Also, it leads me to focus inward instead of outward and onward. It seems that when I focus on the now, I lose track of the future, and the future is what gives me joy. I love to plan, I love to think of possibilities. It’s a family trait to some extent. I know that at least one of my sisters joins me in that love, which sometimes drives the realists around us a bit nuts. I believe I’m defined as a “possibilities thinker,” always looking forward. I’m often a few steps ahead of the rest of the pack, who are still focused on the here and now. That’s not me. When I get into that space, it is to my detriment.

Now that I feel like I’m back at full-steam, my inspiration has come back as well. I’ve picked up my knitting needles again, although I’ve forgotten how to cast on. I picked up a paintbrush yesterday and rediscovered the joy of covering a canvas with colour. I have yet to pick up a novel again, but I’m looking forward to that as well. This afternoon I get together with friends to play some board games. Tomorrow I get back into the pool.  And this afternoon I have every intention of writing my grandparent’s a letter, something I haven’t done in weeks due to the fact that I didn’t want my depression to manifest itself in my letter. I don’t want to worry them and make them think I’m miserable. But today is a day filled with hope and promise.

I’ve plopped myself down in my local coffee shop. I’ve often wondered how it stays open, as I’ve never seen a line of more than two or three people and often the shop seems empty when I wander past. However, today I’ve discovered that a steady stream of clients are what keeps this place in business. Although it’s never as busy as a Starbucks or Second Cup, it also doesn’t have the lulls that those places have. Their primary business is coffee to-go. The staff is lovely, helpful, and friendly. Today’s staff member also happens to be a rather attractive late 20-something, who has the great mix of scruff, wavy brown hair, and excellent fashion sense that is neither metrosexual nor hipster, but is just excellent in a mixed between a classic look and hipster.  Because he fits no stereotype, his look is rather hard to define, but it is rather lovely. He also pulls a decent shot and makes a lovely almond milk Chai latte.

I kind of wish I could I had a camera today so I could show you shots of the shop, and if it happened to include a snap or two of the barista, that wouldn’t be so bad.  Also, he whistles to Beach Boys while he works. It’s rather endearing.  The only downside to the coffee shop this morning is that they don’t carry Licorice tea. So sad. I’ve actually only come across one shop in this city that does carry it, but for the life of me I can’t remember the name of it.  It’s up by Honest Ed’s and Snakes and Lattes, both places I will write of at a future date. But enough for now! Time to go live life with hutzpah, gumption, and a good dose of intentionality.


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